<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Ugly Heart by cr3stfallen</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26929105">Ugly Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cr3stfallen/pseuds/cr3stfallen'>cr3stfallen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexuality, Child Abuse, F/F, Incest, Internalized Misogyny, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:28:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,485</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26929105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cr3stfallen/pseuds/cr3stfallen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Camilla/My Unit | Kamui | Corrin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ugly Heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Mother always said I was an ugly baby. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moment I was born, she knew I wasn't fit for nobility. She was a beautiful woman, flowing hair, gentle mannerisms. Until her gentleness turned to cruelty, and even then… I couldn't hate her, beautiful as she was. She did it for my own good. I was a dirty girl, with weird messy purple hair and a gap tooth and knock knees. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Disgusting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mommy only loved me when I made her happy. I would get appraised. Poked, prodded, scrutinized. Touched. It made me cold, I was gone floating somewhere in the clouds above the isolated spires on that high mountain fortress. No complaining, this was what I was made for. A tool to help mommy win. I didn't deserve to be hurt. If I helped her win, we could live a better life like that blonde boy. We couldn't touch him, he was sacred. That is what we fought for, mommy said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were others. I was scared of them. Mommy said they wanted to kill me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All our money went to her trying to seduce that old man. I didn't get beauty treatments like she. I looked too much like him. Waste. His pig nose, my sad downturned eyes. No good. So I fought while mother taught me what she knew, slathering my dinner money into her sagging pores like nothing else mattered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She slapped me because I cried for food. It was my own fault. Maybe I could be pretty if I was beautiful like her someday, not this gangly gross bony thing full of twigs and grit. Maybe I could be worth something then. Mother told me that men are shallow, men only want you for your body and that is why she did this for me. She says perhaps there is hope for me, as long as I don't develop comical breasts like a fat cow. Touched me to train me, told me all the things she had to do to win Daddy's favor. Weird, dirty things. She said it hurts the first time, but becomes addicting after. Your body knows what to do. I guess she was right, my nipples were hard under her bare gaze as she bathed me, lathing over my chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She says it's addicting to be touched, but I don't understand? Is it like when I get happy after she praises me? She says no, it's better. A warm feeling in your tummy. Fulfilling your purpose as a woman, making him happy as her belly swelled and kicked, only for me to be a waste. All that pain, for an ugly baby. I ruined her body for nothing and ruined our chances at a better life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wouldn't have an ugly baby. I had to make it better, kill for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I'm sorry I was born. I'll try harder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She told me that there was a new woman. A slut, harlot, base whore who didn't deserve all we had worked for. We were going to fix it once and for all, take it back. I trained hard, mommy! I'll do it for sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't do it. I got there, tears in my eyes at the sleeping bedside of this slut and sniffled too loud before I could slit her throat. Instead, the blood rushing from a wound was my own. The woman threw her oil lamp at me, disfiguring my already ugly face even more. I was ruined again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Disgusting beast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mommy wouldn't look at me after that without disgust ever again. She died a year later. I was almost relieved, but I missed her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were new children. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A weird girl with grey hair. An arrogant blonde, he looked the same kin as the other blonde boy, but they said he wasn't. A cute baby girl with white hair who giggled. I wished I could laugh with her. Things calmed down, but I could never look at myself, bangs pushed over my disgusting scaly skin and ruined eye. Putrid.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The quiet girl was too curious for her own good. She spoke quietly with a stutter, asking why I hid my face. That girl was too nice. I felt bile rise just like my mother trained. That night I scrutinized my body like she always had. It was all I deserved. Poked, pinched, slapped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The weird girl continued to ask why. I could never answer. I'm disgusting, there was nothing to explain. Fact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was getting big, fat. Grotesque, like a woman shouldn't be. With a scarred face and horrible body, I couldn't make anyone happy. So I killed. It was all I could do. It made me feel safe. Daddy smiled, for once. That just made it worse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I finally understood addiction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Years passed, and the only thing I could hold on to was keeping them from hurting like I did. The quiet girl never knew, and we saw each other very little. I never had the strength to tell her why. But when she looked at me, I knew I couldn't let her die. As I hid from a party and cried she hugged me, and it didn't hurt. Wasn't this supposed to hurt? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mommy said when two adults hugged it hurts, but I just felt relief. Wait. No. The man sticks his thing in. That's what hurts. That's what sex was. Makes babies. That ruined mommy, but this was safe. She didn't know, she wasn't ruined. I couldn't let her hurt like I did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't cry around Corrin again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Corrin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her name was Corrin. Pretty name, not like mine. I could keep them safe. Mommy taught me well. Just keep killing, daddy likes that. I'm good at it, even now that my armor was ill fitted and outgrown.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Daddy didn't like my fat misshapen body, though. He yelled at me, told me it was a waste of money that my disgusting fat body didn't fit into any of their premade armor any longer. My breasts were too big, my hips were too wide, my stomach folded and rolled with each slouch, my legs chafed under my skirts. Disgusting cow, not like those pretty girls with a nice stomach and lean features. They look like dolls… But I have to keep killing or I will die. I need the rush. They need the bodies. I cried and apologized for existing. Father told me to stop calling him Daddy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But when the tailor came by my quarters, in an act of defiance I told them to dress me like a slut. Make me disgusting, depraved. Make them regret it. My body was bad, I was a plaything for their enjoyment. Maybe I could enjoy making them hate me too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Father was furious. I got beat for it. It was worth it, seeing the jealous gleam in their eyes as they stared in passing. Maids, other concubines, nobles and their unfaithful pig husbands unable to peel their gaze from my monstrous form. What do they have to be jealous of, you can't possibly ruin me more. It was an act, but a convincing one at that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My rage grew worse. Corrin tried to help. Her pity made it worse. No pity, please. I concealed my disgusting emotions and traded vulnerability for vulgarity. I pushed her away. I'm her big sister. She doesn't need a pathetic weak idiot. Corrin pulled closer, telling me it was okay before she kissed my cheek. It wasn’t okay, it was never okay. I only cry alone at night, thinking of how gentle her hands were wiping my tears away before I sealed them from her and touched myself. It didn't hurt. It didn't hurt one bit, doing what mommy taught me. It was fast and hard and it scared me, the wave of relief washing over me quickly replaced with dread. My fingers were sticky, but the ache was nice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another addiction. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't look her in the eye after that. I would protect her from afar. Keep my Corrin safe. Keep her kind and soft. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Keep her safe from me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Year after year, she came back. Slowly, I began to doubt why I ever told her no in the first place. I had only killed more, grown more monstrous and fat while she grew more beautiful. War came, as we all expected. I envied her. I did my job, kept her safe from Father. Protected her from the horrors I could. But all that did was leave her beloved by everyone, and me alone and unwanted. The disgusting freak, ever as always with a smile plastered on my face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's okay, this is all I deserve. Jealousy took root deep in me. That was my Corrin. That was my little sister. After all I had done to keep her pure and safe from what destroyed me, she chose someone else in the end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I'm ugly from the inside out.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>